To The Friend I Lost

I thought I was okay with losing you. I reached a point where I didn’t care anymore. I reached a point where there’s no other choice but to move on. But then there are these small moments when I would remember you, and I’d wonder, where I went wrong. I kept on analyzing my actions, my words, the situation, and how I should react on it. I kept on looking on it on a rational point of view, trying to understand everything that has happened. The hows, the whys. But I just can’t understand.

These past few days, I’ve been thinking about talking to you again. But it has no point. It’s frustrating me how I am so used to confronting people I have problems with, but there are people who you just can’t speak with because you know you’re wasting your energy. Wasting energy in trying to understand, and in trying to make others understand. It’s frustrating that I want clarity. Why? Why are you being like this? Why are you not owning up to your actions? To your words? You said you’ll talk to me. How? How did she become more important than me? A rather egotistical thought. But I guess that is a great example of how time doesn’t measure relationships. And how much of this I don’t understand. I shouldn’t really care.

More over, I realized how evil I can be. I realized the extent of the thoughts I can have that are fueled with anger. I realized how selfish I really am, because I think I deserve something for caring too much. I realized my talent for spitting out the harshest words possible, with the sole purpose of hurting someone else, just because I feel betrayed. And even after all the bad things I did, I am still not apologizing for it. I still stand by the shittiest words I have ever spit out, because that’s what’s real to me. And frankly, you’re doing both of us a disservice for not spitting back. I was there for you! I was there for the both of you, rooting for your improvement, hanging onto every word, every promise. But all I got were lies, were deception. I hated how you were becoming a copy of her. I hated how much she manipulated you (still is), and you don’t seem to give a fuck about it. What I hated the most is the fact that you said you don’t like lying, but you certainly did plenty of that – just for her. My principles shouldn’t have meddled with how you lived their life. And it took a great price for me to learn that lesson.

At least I know now, much more about myself. I know who my friends are. And I know how I want my relationships to be: simple, honest, straightforward, with all the bullshit on top. And I’ll be honest with myself, one last time, of how much it hurt, and how stupid I feel for actually being affected. I rooted for you, and I expected you to be the person that you say you are. But that’s life, people change. I’m done.

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