On January 23, I started my first regular job as a junior editor in a media production. It was my first again to have my time restricted to a such a schedule. It also has been a long time since the last time I pushed myself into a new set of people, of environment and a new world.
First up, I had a lot of expectations. I learned throughout life that whatever achievements I got before doesn’t matter when I step into this new world. So I prepared myself to be the kid I really am – naive, curious, excited and eager as ever. I jumped into this, thinking about all the new things I can possibly learn and digest. I asked about everything I can ever ask. What does a segment producer do? What is the difference of a segment producer and an executive producer? What does “block” mean? What different equipment do we have? How do you shoot? What I learned before doesn’t matter. What I know now doesn’t matter. All that matters is what I can learn from here on out. I got disappointed when I didn’t feel the rush of knowledge that I expected to get. And from what I’ve observed, I’m not getting it because the people aren’t enthusiastic about it anymore. Even on the day of the interview, of the trial editing, and of the discussion of the offer, the people here consistently seemed dead inside. No life emanated from this place. I accepted the job offer because I was desperate to start working. When I started, that dead air didn’t change. My welcoming committee were people resigning or getting terminated, a chipped off old wooden table, and all sorts of rants and expression of exasperation.
I enjoyed what I did at first. I was given a number of good jobs. I can edit, animate and shoot under this company. So I was happy. I got what I wanted. What I didn’t know was how boring my editing content would be, and how toxic the work culture is. 3 and a half weeks in and I’m already dying. I thought: “Is it really this stressful, or am I just plain weak?” I’ve had numerous freelance jobs prior to this one. None of them would be able to top the stress this one emits. “Are all regular jobs like this? Am I done for, if I’m too weak to handle this shit?”
I had (still have) a lot of frustrations, I didn’t know what to do. I questioned my decision for accepting this offer. Yet here I am, my laptop on this chipped wooden table, trying to prove to myself that I can handle this. I still don’t know if this one is the right thing for me. I feel like I’m wasting a huge amount of my time because of this. I wasn’t able to keep up with my videos and blog post schedule because of this.
But hey, it’s just the first month. Maybe I dived in expecting to learn the technicalities of production, but God felt like my personality wasn’t sharp enough and I needed to learn how to handle this kind of stress instead. I don’t know.